FRUIT LOOP SMOOTHIE pictures included!

Let me just start by confessing, I am incredibly unhealthy person. I drink too much, I smoke anything I can, and I find yoga exhausting. My insides wouldn't be used in a campy splatter flick because it's not suitable for any audience.

BUT I LOVE SMOOTHIES. I like how it feels like they're a healthy alternative to Draino. My insides dance like those little forest ghosts in Princess Mononoke. It's like that feeling you get after eating MSG heavy Chinese food, except without the lethargic aftermath. I even put kale and other green stuff in it to kid myself into thinking that's enough to make up for not eating the lettuce on my cheeseburgers.

I'm pretty unimaginative when it comes to the content, really (kinda like this blog! haha...). Just your average frozen fruit and some sort of liquid to make it less swamp sludge and more melted ice cream. But they usually taste pretty good, except that one time I tried to make white peaches and mango work..

All people who love hot Cheetos are probably horrified with what I've said so far. Please swallow your puke and read on, because I've stumbled across something any processed sugar/velveeta loving baconite could enjoy.

FRUIT LOOP SMOOTHIES

I swear to you this smoothie tastes exactly like that sugary, nondescript fruity cereal, and the glorious runoff milk nectar of the gods that forms afterward eating a few bowls from the same pot. TRY IT! You can look like a health loving, raw food munching ADULT while secretly enjoying fruit loopy goodness!!! I'm not sure if the kale is that important, but it's important to me since I'd like to live a bit longer to see all of Jennifer Lawrence's future antics. Plus I'm pretty sure there was a green fruit loop, ergo, not all green things are gross.

The exact science:

-about half a sandwich bag of frozen flat leaf green Kale
-two golf ball sized chunks of frozen berries from Costco
-a cup or so of Almond milk (unsweetened)
-a 1 inch cube of raw ginger
-1/2 teaspoon sugar (This may be the key, since I couldn't find my roommate's honey this morning)
-2 tablespoons of Greek Yogurt (Fage has a nice buttery texture I'm a fan of)
-3-4 ice cubes

Put the ingredients in in that order or else the world will end, and your mixer will feel emasculated. Then blend.. BLEND LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BLENDED BEFORE. I say this because the kale usually doesn't quite disappear until you hit about the half minute mark. I HATE KALE CONFETTI.


It's going to look a little weird. I think mine started off a Frankenberry Purple, and by noon it was foot fungus green. BUT YOU SHOULD TRY MY DELICIOUS SMOOTHIE. Just close your eyes and pretend you're in your PJs because you managed to stay home sick the day of a group project.

EUREKA!

And that's it. You drink it. I don't use mason jars. I just detach my smoothie cup and go, because I'm cool like that. Here it is. On my desk at work. PROOF.

I was supposed to talk about my life as a sexual deviant today. But this was far more pertinent. Aren't you glad?!

Also, here's a photo of my cat who is hospitalized right now, and will probably be undergoing an involuntary sex change in the next day or so :(